What the Heck is a Relationship Anarchist? Insights from “The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy”
- Sarah Wolfer, LICSW
- Apr 22
- 5 min read
Written by Sarah Wolfer, LICSW, Psychotherapist and Founder, Courageous You
In today's world, where rigid relationship norms often dominate our understanding of love and connection, the concept of relationship anarchy (RA) shines as a guiding light toward liberation. It urges us to challenge societal expectations and reimagine the way we engage with one another in all types of relationships. Relationship anarchy invites us to embrace connection in all its diverse forms, celebrating the unique relationships we create without the constraints of traditional ideals or hierarchies.
At the heart of this paradigm lies Andie Nordgren's “Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy,” where they coined the term relationship anarchy and provided guiding principles for those of us seeking to navigate our relationships with authenticity, autonomy, and joy.
As a psychotherapist dedicated to supporting queer, non-monogamous, neurodivergent, and relationship anarchist individuals and relationships, I have witnessed how these tenets can empower us to cultivate meaningful connections that honor our true selves. Here are some insights from Andie’s manifesto to help us get started with defining relationship anarchy:
1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
Relationship anarchy challenges the widely held belief that love is a limited resource confined to a dyadic couple. We all possess the capacity to love multiple people, and the love we feel for one person does not diminish the love we have for another. This point encourages us to embrace each connection (of all kinds) for its individuality without ranking or comparing relationships. Each relationship is an independent exchange between autonomous individuals, rich with its own uniqueness and designed to fit the needs and desires of those actually within the relationship, rather than societal pressures or external forces.
2. Love and respect instead of entitlement
In a healthy relationship dynamic, love should never be rooted in entitlement. This principle emphasizes the importance of respecting our partners' and pals' independence and autonomy. The history we share does not give us control over others’ choices or actions. Instead of imposing our expectations or requesting/demanding compliance, we can focus on fostering mutual respect and exploration. Letting our loved ones maintain their integrity by choosing their paths freely ensures that our relationships remain genuinely reciprocal and avoid the pitfalls of obligation.
3. Find our core set of relationship values
To navigate our relationships successfully, it’s essential for us to clarify our core values. We should consider how we wish to be treated, our personal boundaries, and our relational expectations. What kind of people do we want in our lives, and how do we envision our relationships functioning? Establishing a solid foundation of principles enables us to engage authentically and consistently in all our connections.
4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead us
Our environment plays a crucial role in how we perceive and experience love. Society imposes norms about what constitutes “real love,” often placing pressure on relationships that deviate from the heterosexual, cisgender, monogamous model many of us have been given. As Tuck Malloy states in Expansive Love - “In our current cultural paradigm, straightness, cis-ness, and monogamy are non-consensually required of all humans.” Because of this, it’s vital for us to acknowledge these pressures without letting fear dictate our interactions. We can work together with our loved ones to identify ways to navigate and dismantle oppressive norms, creating a supportive network that values and validates our connections to empower us to rise above societal expectations.
5. Build for the lovely unexpected
One of the joys of relationship anarchy is the freedom to embrace spontaneity. Instead of succumbing to rigid structures and obligations, we can encourage open-ended exploration of one another. Cultivating relationships based on desire and curiosity rather than obligation creates a space where joy can flourish. Let’s allow for the unexpected and celebrate the delightful surprises that each connection can bring, free from the burdens of unmet expectations.
6. Fake it till we make it
Adopting non-traditional relationship structures can feel daunting and overwhelming at times. The “fake it till we make it” strategy is a useful tool during these periods of adjustment. We should think about the confident, empowered versions of ourselves when we’re inspired and identify actions that align with that persona. Establishing simple guidelines for ourselves to follow, especially when we’re feeling pressured by societal norms or external expectations, can be valuable.
7. Trust is better
A foundational aspect of any healthy relationship is trust. Choosing to approach our partnerships with the assumption that our partners and pals do not wish to harm us can pave the way for more positive relational experiences. This mutual understanding allows us to cultivate relationships while remaining aware of our values and prioritizing self-care.
8. Change through communication
If we want to break away from societal norms, open communication is essential. Clear and honest dialogue is the key to navigating the complexities of relationships. Rather than waiting for issues to surface or assuming our partners and pals know what we’re feeling, we should make communication a regular practice in our connections. Let’s establish a foundation of trust that allows for vulnerability: sharing our feelings and thoughts openly, and encouraging others to do the same. By actively engaging in discussions about our needs, desires, and boundaries as they shift and move over time, we can create a relational environment that fosters growth and understanding for everyone involved.
9. Customize our commitments
Life gains structure and meaning when we come together with others to create shared goals—whether it’s building a life, raising children, or supporting one another through the obstacles life throws our way. Commitment in relationship anarchy doesn’t mean adhering to traditional models dictated by societal expectations. Instead, it’s about designing our own commitments that resonate with us and those we cherish. Let’s be explicit about what kind of commitments we want to form and understand that love doesn’t require adherence to a one-size-fits-all model. Starting fresh and creating agreements that authentically reflect our desires and values can lead to more fulfilling connections.
Conclusion
The principles of relationship anarchy invite us to embrace love and connection in its most authentic forms. By adopting these tenets from the manifesto, we can cultivate deeper connections rooted in respect, autonomy, and mutual understanding for everyone involved.
As you reflect on how these principles resonate with our own experiences, let’s consider exploring further. If you’d like to learn more about how to incorporate these ideas into your life or deepen your existing relationships of all kinds, you can visit my website, courageousytherapy.com. You can also stay updated on upcoming offerings focused on non-monogamy and relationship anarchy by signing up for my free newsletter there.
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