Curious About Non-Monogamy? Start with Why

By: Sarah Wolfer, LICSW 

Non-Monogamous Psychotherapist 

Courageous You

At its core, relationships are agreements we make with one another. For some, this means being romantically and sexually exclusive with one partner—what we typically call monogamy. But for others, the canvas is broader, allowing for varying degrees of romantic and/or sexual openness with multiple partners.

Non-monogamy (CNM) is the umbrella term that encompasses these kinds of relationships, where everyone involved gives explicit consent to explore connections of all kinds with more than one person. It’s important to clarify that these relationships are consensual and intentional and not to be confused with infidelity, which is based in secrecy and betrayal.

As a therapist who specializes in working with non-monogamous individuals and relationships, I find that every relationship has its own unique flavor. There’s a beautiful diversity in how people choose to navigate this landscape and I like to say that there are as many ways to practice non-monogamy as there are non-monogamous people. 

For example, some people may engage in polyamory, where individuals may be open to having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with everyone’s consent. Even under the umbrella of polyamory, there are a ton of ways to practice this relationship style depending on the needs and preferences of everyone involved. Others interested in non-monogamy might explore swinging, where couples exchange partners for sexual experiences or have sexual experiences all together, most commonly without forming romantic attachments. Overall, there is a plethora of non-monogamous options available, which we will dive into in future blog posts.

A joyful non-monogamous polycule embrace celebrating diverse expressions of love and connection amidst nature.

The Prevalence of Non-Monogamy in the U.S.

You might be surprised to learn just how common non-monogamy really is in the United States. Around 4% to 5% of American adults—roughly 10 to 16 million people—currently practice consensual non-monogamy. And if we dig a little deeper, we find that up to 25% of adults have dipped their toes into the waters of CNM at some point in their lives and a recent survey from 2023 showed that one-third of American adults identify their ideal relationship structure as something more open than monogamy.

Among specific groups, we see that 22% of heterosexual Americans want to explore open relationships, while that number jumps to 46% among LGBTQIA+ folks. If we break it down by generation, 41% of millennials express interest in open relationships, followed by 29% of Gen Z, 23% of Gen X, and 12% of Baby Boomers.

These statistics reveal an evolving conversation around love and connection that deserves to be normalized, not stigmatized. Unfortunately, societal views on CNM often come with negativity—perceptions that these relationships are lower quality or somehow immoral. However, research tells a different story. Studies show that individuals in CNM report satisfaction, trust, commitment, and overall psychological health on par with their monogamous counterparts.

Additionally, many studies have shown that people in non-monogamous relationships experience lower levels of jealousy and milder relationship insecurities. They often enjoy benefits like meeting diverse needs and fostering personal growth. From a sexual health perspective, research has found that those practicing CNM typically engage in safer sex strategies, illustrating that responsible intimacy can thrive, regardless of relationship style.

Embracing diverse non-monogamous connections: A symbolic embrace reflects the importance of understanding personal intentions in non-monogamous relationships.

Unpacking Your "Why"

So, you might be wondering: "Where do I even start if I’m curious about non-monogamy?" The first step, whether you’re single or in a formerly monogamous relationship that’s shifting, is to explore your personal “why.” What draws you to this way of doing relationships? 

Research has pinpointed some common motivations that might resonate with you:

1. Autonomy: Many people find that consensual non-monogamy (CNM) allows for a more authentic self-expression and greater freedom in choosing relationship dynamics. In non-monogamous settings, individuals might feel more empowered to assert their needs, desires, and boundaries without the limitations or pressures that can sometimes accompany monogamous commitments. This autonomy fosters a sense of agency and personal responsibility, enabling people to articulate what they truly want from their relationships while cultivating a deeper understanding of their own identity.

2. Belief Systems: Many individuals resonate with the values inherent in non-monogamy, viewing relationships through a lens that celebrates diversity and connection. For them, traditional monogamy may feel limiting, while CNM can offer the opportunity to explore a broader spectrum of emotional and sexual connections. This approach might align with their belief that love and intimacy are expansive rather than finite, allowing them to forge meaningful relationships that enrich their lives and foster deeper understanding of themselves and others.

3. Relationality: Engaging in multiple relationships can significantly enhance community and social ties. For many, CNM is not just about romantic or sexual connections; it’s about forming a supportive network of relationships that enrich their lives. Through the shared experiences and emotional bonds that develop between partners and metamours, individuals often find a sense of belonging and community. This relationality can create a web of support that helps each person thrive, reinforcing the idea that love and connection can exist abundantly rather than in competition.

4. Sexuality: CNM provides the opportunity to explore various sexual identities and desires in a safe and consensual manner. For those who may identify as bisexual, pansexual, queer, kinky, or simply curious about different facets of their sexual orientation, non-monogamy offers a framework allowing them to engage with these aspects of themselves fully. This exploration can lead to greater sexual fulfillment and an enhanced understanding of one's preferences, desires, and boundaries—all while ensuring that partners are aware and consenting to these explorations.

5. Growth and Expansion: Many individuals view non-monogamous relationships as vital pathways for personal development and self-discovery. In navigating multiple relationships, people often confront their own fears, insecurities, and limitations, which can foster profound personal growth. Each relationship can serve as a mirror, reflecting different parts of themselves that they may not have fully explored otherwise. This journey can enhance emotional intelligence, improve communication skills, and ultimately lead to a more nuanced understanding of oneself and one’s connections with others.

6. Pragmatism: CNM can align with life’s complexities, providing flexible solutions for managing diverse personal needs and circumstances. Many people find that non-monogamous arrangements can adapt better to real-life situations, such as long-distance relationships, parenting dynamics, or varying relationship needs/desires that change over time. This pragmatic approach allows individuals to pursue fulfilling relationships without feeling constrained by rigid structures, enabling them to balance their romantic lives with other commitments—whether career, family, or personal pursuits.

After looking at this list, I often recommend that my clients take some time to reflect on their own motivations for trying non-monogamy. Write down the potential benefits and reasons for wanting to pursue non-monogamy that are specific to the unique human that you are. If you’re in a relationship where your partner has expressed this desire around exploring non-monogamy and you’re not so sure about it but want to give it a try, it's still important to think about your own motivations too. It’s perfectly okay to want to support your partner while also understanding your own feelings and desires for giving it a shot. Whether it’s wanting to see your partner fulfilled in their non-monogamous and/or queer identities, seeking personal growth, or simply exploring new dimensions of love and connection, taking the time to figure out your “why” is paramount.

Exploring the journey of non-monogamy with joy and support—start with your free consultation today.

Moving Forward

In future blog posts, I’ll share more practical steps and tips on how to dive into the world of non-monogamy. If you would like some more guidance around the world of non-monogamy, seeking professional support can be incredibly beneficial. If you’d like to work with me specifically, I offer psychotherapy, relationship therapy, and ketamine-assisted therapy in WA, ID, and FL via telehealth. I also provide supervision and training for fellow therapists anywhere in the world interested in better supporting their non-monogamous clients.

If you’re curious to learn more or want to explore whether non-monogamy is right for you, I welcome you to schedule a free consultation by reaching out to me at info@courageousyou.us. 

You can also stay tuned for more strategies to help you navigate your own non-monogamous journey by signing up for my free newsletter at courageousyoutherapy.com. 

Sources: 

1. Conley, T. D., Matsick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). "The relationship satisfaction of individuals in consensual non-monogamous and monogamous relationships." Archives of Sexual Behavior.

2. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Ziegler, A., & Karathanasis, K. (2012). "Sexual health and safer sex strategies among individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships." Journal of Sex Research.

3. Lehmiller, J. J. (2015). "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." Wiley-Blackwell.

4. Rodrigues, D. A., Fasoli, F., Huic, A., & Lopes, D. (2018). "Public perceptions of consensual non-monogamy: Relationships viewed through social lenses." Psychology & Sexuality.

5. Moors, A. C., Gesselman, A. N., & Garcia, J. R. (2021). "Desire, Familiarity, and Engagement in Polyamory: Results From a National Sample of Single Adults in the United States." Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 619640.

6. Murphy, A. P., Joel, S., & Muise, A. (2021). "A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship." Social Psychological and Personality Science, 12(2), 194–201.

7. Wood, J., De Santis, C., Desmarais, S., & Milhausen, R. (2021). "Motivations for Engaging in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1253–1272.

8. Vilkin, E., & Sprott, R. (2021). "Consensual Non-Monogamy Among Kink-Identified Adults: Characteristics, Relationship Experiences, and Unique Motivations for Polyamory and Open Relationships." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1521–1536.

9. Balzarini, R. N., Dharma, C., Kohut, T., Campbell, L., Lehmiller, J. J., & Harman, J. J. (2019). "Demographic Comparison of American Individuals in Polyamorous and Monogamous Relationships." The Journal of Sex Research, 56(6), 681–694.

10. St. Vil, N. M., Leblanc, N. M., & Giles, K. N. (2021). "The Who and Why of Consensual Nonmonogamy Among African Americans." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(3), 1143–1150.

11. Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). "Prevalence of Experiences With Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships: Findings From Two National Samples of Single Americans." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424–440.

12. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). "The Fewer the Merrier?: Assessing Stigma Surrounding Consensually Non-Monogamous Romantic Relationships." Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13(1), 1–30.

13. Balzarini, R. N., Dharma, C., Kohut, T., Campbell, L., Lehmiller, J. J., Harman, J. J., & Holmes, B. M. (2019). "Comparing Relationship Quality Across Different Types of Romantic Partners in Polyamorous and Monogamous Relationships." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(6), 1749–1767.