“It’s Not the Relationship Style, It’s the Stigma”: Why Non-Monogamous Youth Need Our Support Now
- Sarah Wolfer, LICSW
- Jul 22
- 5 min read
By Sarah Wolfer, LICSW | Founder, Courageous You Therapy
Adolescence is a formative time for identity development, and that includes relationship orientation. For many young people today, especially those who are LGBTQ+, the idea of love, intimacy, and connection doesn’t always follow a monogamous script. Yet despite growing visibility, non-monogamous youth remain overlooked, underserved, and often misunderstood in clinical, educational, and familial contexts.
In 2024, a groundbreaking empirical study offered the first direct look at the mental health of polyamorous and ambiamorous adolescents. The findings? Depression and distress aren’t inevitable outcomes of non-monogamous identity. They are the result of stigma, invisibility, and rejection.
This moment offers a crucial opportunity for therapists, educators, parents, and youth advocates to expand our understanding of relational diversity and create the kind of environments where non-monogamous youth can thrive, not just survive.
A First-of-Its-Kind Study on Non-Monogamous Youth
Published in Psychology & Sexuality, Dr. Traci Gillig’s 2024 study Polyamorous and Ambiamorous Adolescents: A First Empirical Look at Mental Health in an LGBTQ+ Sample examined 323 LGBTQ+ adolescents aged 12 to 17. Of those, 54 identified as polyamorous or ambiamorous, meaning they were either engaged in or open to multiple loving relationships, or felt drawn to both monogamous and non-monogamous dynamics.
This is the first study to focus on non-monogamous youth using a longitudinal, peer-reviewed approach. For decades, youth relationship development has been studied almost exclusively through a monogamous lens. That has meant many teens, particularly queer, trans, and neurodivergent youth, have been left without language, affirmation, or mental health support that acknowledges the reality of their relational lives.
The Findings: Depression Isn’t About Non-Monogamy, It’s About Disconnection
The study’s core finding was both clear and complex: polyamorous and ambiamorous youth reported higher rates of depressive symptoms than their monogamous LGBTQ+ peers. But crucially, these mental health disparities were strongly tied to environmental factors, not to the youth’s relationship orientation itself.
Youth who experienced acceptance and support from family members, peers, and school staff showed significantly better mental health outcomes. Meanwhile, those who encountered rejection, erasure, or active hostility were more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and disconnection.
This aligns with what we already understand from decades of research on LGBTQ+ youth: it is not queerness that causes harm, but the social marginalization of queerness. The same is now being confirmed for non-monogamy.
Understanding Minority Stress in NM Youth
Minority stress refers to the chronic stress experienced by members of marginalized groups due to systemic discrimination and social stigma. In this study, non-monogamous youth described:
Being dismissed or punished by caregivers when they shared their relationship preferences
Bullying or isolation from peers, especially when their identities were misunderstood or fetishized
A lack of relevant or inclusive education about relationships in school
Therapy experiences that invalidated or pathologized their relationship identity
These layers of stress add up. And for teens without access to affirming adults or peers, these stressors often go unspoken and untreated.
What This Means for Therapists
For clinicians working with adolescents, this study offers both validation and a challenge. Non-monogamous identity is not a clinical problem. But the way adults respond to it often is.
Therapists can better support NM youth by:
Updating intake forms and documentation to include relationship orientation alongside gender and sexual orientation
Creating space for exploratory conversations without judgment or assumption
Examining their own training and implicit bias around monogamy and normative relationships
Avoiding the reflex to “wait and see” or redirect youth toward monogamy as a safer or more stable path
Providing psycho-education around healthy relational boundaries, consent, and emotional regulation that applies across relationship structures
Adolescents often come to therapy looking for mirrors and maps. If we can’t reflect their experience or help them navigate their world, we risk contributing to the harm they’re already facing.
What Families and Caregivers Can Do
For many youth, family response is the single most powerful predictor of mental health outcomes. Caregivers do not need to fully understand non-monogamy to be supportive. But they do need to be willing to listen.
Here’s how caregivers can help:
Respond with curiosity, not correction
Offer consistent emotional support even if the relationship structure feels unfamiliar
Avoid moral panic or assumptions about maturity, readiness, or “what this says” about their teen
Seek out resources or professionals who can help you understand and affirm your child’s identity
Model respect for diverse identities, even if you’re still learning
Supportive parenting is not about endorsing every decision a teen makes. It’s about ensuring they know they’re not alone in making it.
Schools Have a Role Too
Educators and youth programs are uniquely positioned to reduce harm and increase visibility. The study shows that school-based affirmation can buffer against the negative impacts of family or peer rejection.
Practical changes schools can make include:
Adding “relationship orientation” to anti-discrimination and harassment policies
Offering relationship education that includes polyamory, open relationships, and Relationship Anarchy alongside monogamy
Training teachers and counselors to understand the realities of non-monogamous youth experience
Supporting LGBTQ+ and diversity clubs in explicitly affirming all forms of relational identity
Youth are already having these conversations. It’s time the adults around them caught up.
Community and Belonging as Protective Factors
One of the most hopeful findings in the study is that connection makes a difference. Youth who had access to affirming peer networks, NM-inclusive spaces, and even just one understanding adult were significantly more resilient.
Mental health professionals can play a role here by:
Helping youth find NM-affirming spaces online or in person
Encouraging the development of peer mentorship opportunities
Incorporating identity-affirming media, resources, and narratives into sessions
The more young people see their identities reflected and respected, the more likely they are to develop a strong sense of self.
Where We Go From Here
This study is just a beginning. More research is needed across multiple axes of identity. We need larger sample sizes, more racial and cultural diversity, and longitudinal studies that track the impact of support over time.
But this research offers something we can act on now: confirmation that non-monogamous youth are here, they’re paying attention, and they are asking for care that affirms who they are, not who we expect them to be.
A Call to Action for Youth-Serving Professionals
Whether you are a therapist, parent, teacher, or school administrator, your response to non-monogamous youth matters.
The question is not whether you agree with their relationship choices. It’s whether you are willing to build environments that prioritize safety, dignity, and belonging for all young people, regardless of who or how they love.
Non-monogamous youth are not confused or broken. They are exploring, evolving, and often incredibly thoughtful about the kind of relationships they want to build. When adults meet that exploration with respect rather than resistance, we help shape not just their mental health, but their ability to love and live authentically.
Citations: Gillig, T. K. (2024). Polyamorous and Ambiamorous Adolescents: A First Empirical Look at Mental Health in an LGBTQ+ Sample. Psychology & Sexuality.
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